Satan's Spread

I'm sure you've all seen the Philadelphia Cream cheese ads with the angels, right? There's that irritating woman, hanging out in heaven hawking cream cheese? According to them, Heaven is a place where you get to lounge out on a cloud all day, eat tons of bagels and cream cheese while never gaining an ounce, all while served to you by a buff angel dude in a tight white t-shirt. Sounds okay to me. Even though the ad is totally asinine and the woman is so self righteous it makes me want to ding a bell until she dies, at least it sort of makes sense in a TV advertising sort of way.

But, two recent ads that I have seen make me goggle in disbelief.

Ad#1:

Scene: Heaven (please keep in mind, they are in Heaven)
Woman comes bursting out of boardroom, and says, "I'm having the day from hell". Cue god's wrath at the word hell (holy retarded). Woman is handed plate with bagel and cream cheese by assistant and they exclaim "finally, time for lunch!", and then munch on their food. A slutty looking blonde angel walks by, one lady remarks, "oh, that's the new angel in accounting, her wings are so perky", both women in unison say "they can't be real" and they giggle. End scene.

Ad#2:

Scene: Heaven

Angel who looks about 12 years old is looking in mirror and saying "oh I'm getting old", another angel who looks 13 hands her a strawberry dipped in cream cheese and says "it's what's on the inside that counts". The first angel eats cream cheese, and smiles (which I take is supposed to mean that now her insides won't look old due to the rejuvenating effects of cream cheese?)

Am I the only one who thinks these ads are seriously fucked up? Now I'm not religious (which I'm sure should come as a shock), but excuse me? There's an accounting department in Heaven? AND I have to go work and to more meetings? Isn't the point of life, to work for all of it and then through the sweet release of death, be finally free of the chains that bind you to your desk? Is that what the Book of Job was about? Wow - are people actually reading the Bible carefully to see what they're in for?

AND I still have to watch women with fake "wings" get all the attention. AND I have to get old and be ugly? I have to go through that awful process again? AND I have to continue to live in a world where the phrase "it's what's on the inside that counts", is considered acceptable.

What the HELL (and I do mean that literally) is going on here? Did Satan take over Kraft foods?

I'm pretty sure that due to my rather apparent lack of belief in God or Christianity in any form, I probably wasn't going to Heaven anyway. But now that I've seen this, I'm going to do every damn thing possible NOT to get there. Seeing as how those 7 deadly sins have to do with gluttony, lust, vanity and all that good stuff - I'm guessing that down there everyone eats chocolate all day, while having multiple orgasms and looks great doing it. That's how I would like to spend eternity.

I don't know who's working in Heaven's advertising department these days (probably the person that came up with those "I can't believe it's not butter" ads featuring Fabio), but they really should be fired.

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