An open letter

Dear Angelina,

You look like a corpse. Seriously. Eat something. I was your biggest fan circa the Laura Croft days when you were hot. Thin yes, but at least you didn't look more malnourished than the African babies you put on your Visa regularly. I might have even purchased an official Laura Croft Tomb Raider tank top during that period, but I'm not sure because I was backpacking in Europe, and I was drunk most of the time.

There is something wholly unnatural about pant legs that are the same width the entire way down. That just isn't normal. Now I know you just had twins or something like that, I really can't keep up and the truth is, I'm so bored with you and your hubby, I can barely pay attention anymore. So you MUST be carrying around some kind of excess baby fat, but I can't help but wonder if once they snipped the umbilical cord they immediately hooked you up to the lypo machine and your husband is making soap out of the fat and selling it to rich women. (Or maybe I just saw that in a movie.)

Stop it. You are doing nothing but perpetuating the stigma that women need to look like a preying mantis to look beautiful. You can't tell me Brad wants to snuggle up to a coat rack at night. (Although wasn't there a rumor that you sleep in separate beds? This might explain something.) Sure you're saving babies and giving lots of money to charity and that's all well and good, but if I could afford it, I'd totally fly to Namibia, or wherever it is you're making your next handbag baby purchase and shove a goat cheese stuffed pork chop wrapped in bacon down your throat.

Sincerely,
Purl_Princess

PS--What is with that hair?

Food yesterday:
oatmeal & brown sugar - 3 pts
cheese and crackers - 2 pts
mushroom sloppy joe - 6 pts
soup and biscuit - 9 pts
wine - 5 pts
Total: 25 pts

Confessions already

I can't believe that my third day back into blogging and I already have to confess my fall from grace. I was being so good all day, but I was so ridiculously, ravenously hungry that I actually ate the left pinky toe off my foot. Weight Watchers doesn't list point values for body parts (probably because they want to discourage that kind of thing and avoid messy lawsuits and stuff), but I'd estimate it at around seven points. I don't know why, it just felt like seven.

Actually, I ate within my points all day until evening hit and I remembered the box of wafer cookies I had bought while grocery shopping on Sunday. I ate half the box waiting in line at Superstore and had to pretend it was already open when my husband pulled it out of the bag when I got home. He wasn't fooled. Anyway, I ate whatever was left last night and then had some cheese and two Manhattans.

(I was going to add a picture of "confession" to this post, but when I Google image searched it, there were a lot of pictures of Jesus and small children basking in his light, and I thought that might offend a whole lot of people. I'm not sure if confessing you had too many timbits is on par with trying to save your eternal soul. If I ever start my own religion, it totally will be.)

Food yesterday:
oatmeal and brown sugar - 3 pts
laughing cow cheese and triscuits - 2 pts
sweet potato and bean soup - 3 pts
mushroom sloppy joes - 8 pts
cookies - 5 pts
cheese - 6 pts
drink - 6 pts
Total: 33 pts

Not my proudest moment.

Day 2/3

Day two of blogging and day three of dieting. OK, it's actually day 189490543 of dieting but it's the third day THIS week (I know it's only Wednesday, leave me alone.)

A little backstory... I've been competing with my weight since my early 20s (and it usually wins). It's never been a whole bunch of weight. Thankfully, I haven't had to try and lose 100 lbs or anything like that (and I am continually in awe of those that do), but I have a pretty persistent 10-30 lb nemesis that likes to rear it's ugly fat head from time to time. I call her Evila--Princess of Darkness. She can change shape and often takes the form of freshly iced pink cupcakes and creamy wheels of brie. We have a love hate kind of relationship. You understand.

Anyway, it's the same old story. I gained, I lost, I gained again. Two summers ago I was at one of my lowest weights ever at 125 lbs. This is what I like to call my perfect weight. That place where clothes looks good on me and I feel confident, however, the catch is that it's hard for me to stay there. It requires constant vigilance and exercise. I've been there a few times in my life and I can hold on to it for a couple of months before I start to slide. I usually make it to somewhere around 130-133 lbs. This is what I like to refer to as my happy weight. Realistically, this is the weight my body is meant to be. Clothes still fit nicely and I feel pretty good. It's also a lot easier to maintain--I can do very little and stay here for a long time.

But, and there's always a but, I like food and I am lazy. Inevitably, I make the slow march back up the scale. It starts with one too many pig outs and letting my gym membership lapse. It then makes it's cake-stuffed way into total gluttony. And that's where I am today. I got married last May at my happy weight, although I had to starve myself for three weeks to get there. (I know, I know I'm not supposed to do that, but I was desperate. Sue me.)

Now I'm in my sad place at 147 lbs.--the second highest I've ever been. This just barely squeezes me into a healthy BMI (24.5). And that is simply not acceptable.

That's it. I have nothing else to say today. I need to lose weight in case you didn't get that from the junk I wrote above.

Goals for 2009

It's been a long, long time since I've posted here with any regularity despite promising to over and over again. I assume no one it left out there to read this and that's OK, because then no one has to know that I've gained a whole lot of weight lately and that none of my pants fit. I've been reduced to wearing the same knit dress and leggings every single day. In fact, my closet has become a testament to stretchy, forgiving knit dresses. I'm not sure how many knit dresses officially becomes too many, but I'm quite sure we're getting there. (I wonder how many times I can write knit dresses without the phrase losing all meaning? Oops there we go.)

Anyway, in the typical fashion of the New Year, I'd like to set some goals for myself. They say successful people write their goals down because they are more likely to achieve them. I did it once and it kind of worked, so I guess that means I'm only capable of partial success. That's mediocrity I can live with.

Goals for 2009:
1. Lose weight (God it's so boring to have this same stupid goal over and over again. Have you seen those commericals with Valerie Bertinelli who starts crying that for the first time, losing weight isn't her new year's resolution because she's discovered the magic behind pre-pacakaged food wrapped in plastic? The truth is, I kind of get teary when I see them too. I am such a suck.) Anyway, I want to lose about 15-20lbs. I'm at the heaviest I've been since I was in university and I don't like that very much.
2. Exercise at least three times a week. I joined a gym and I now have a dog. I have no more excuses. (I'm sure I'll think of some, but they'll be weak.)
3. Finish the first and second draft of my novel. (Yes, I am a writer in real life (like I actually get paid to do it) but I want to be a real writer one day.)
4. Develop the means to work from home as a freelance writer. (I've got some work and I can get more, I just need to keep going until it's enough to equate to a yearly salary. I wish I had more energy.)

There that's all I have for now. In the interest of goal number one I guess I should count my points for today...sigh...deja vu.

B: oatmeal w/ brown sugar 3 pts
L: laughing cow cheese and triscuits 4 pts, mushroom lentil patty 3 pts, apple
D: sweet potato and white kidney bean soup w/ biscuits 9.5 pts
Total: 19.5 pts